Last post, I confessed to having had a difficult time coming up with content for Ayslyn’s Corner and asked what kinds of things you would like to see here moving forward. It meant a lot to me that several of you took the time to like the post and/or answer the embedded poll – that feedback has given me a better feel for the audience here and the kind of content you all are looking for, and led me, finally, to a decision.
One of the things Wicca has taught me is that faith is fluid and changeable. Growing up in a conservative Christian household, I wasn’t offered the mental framework to understand that other spiritual concepts exist – what my parents believed was the only right and true religion and everyone else was misguided and pitiful. The idea that differing (even outright opposing) spiritual understandings could be equally valid without compromising each other was something that I had to learn on my own.
While I found my own kind of enlightenment moving from Christianity, through an agnostic/atheist time and into Wicca, I confess that I carried some of the Christian tendencies forward with me, without meaning to and without realizing it. Things like a superiority complex, the rigid inability to change over time, and hate. Most Christians would probably be aghast at the notion that Christianity taught me to hate, given that the overwhelming majority believe it to be a religion of love, but that’s a conversation for another time. I’ve done my best to combat these things as I encounter them, but undoing years of indoctrination is not an overnight process and there are times when I recognize that more than a cursory effort is needed.
This version of me now is fairly reluctant to change. The loss of a child shatters every single piece of your soul, and the painful changes that happen after, and continue to happen months and years out, make grief survivors want to lock down what little they can. I’ve created a quiet kind of order to my daily life, and have guarded it with vicious words, isolation and tears over the past almost two years. And when you’re aware of how devastatingly painful change can be, instinct is to hold out against it for as long as you can. And in that way, I have been lying to myself for a while now.
I’m not really Wiccan anymore, and while many of my higher ideologies still align well with Wiccan (and in general, Paganism as well) practice and beliefs, I don’t feel I can claim the name any longer. I haven’t observed the turning of the wheel in over a year, I rarely perform spells anymore and seldom think to address my concerns and problems in a witchy manner. I still stir my pots deosil; I will continue to be as green as possible in everything I do; and will still carry the respect for all living creatures that I learned within Wicca. But in terms of my own spirituality… I don’t much anymore. Big questions like, “Why am I here?” and “What is my purpose here?” don’t interest me, probably because my answers would be depressingly pessimistic. And right now, that’s okay. If Wicca has taught me anything, it’s that I, in and of myself, am always enough. Right here, in this moment, I am no more or less than I need to be.
Ultimately, my inability to write authentic articles, and my growing dedication to my publishing career, have led to the decision to put Ayslyn’s Corner on hiatus. I have no idea how long this absence will last, and I do honestly hope to come back at some point, revitalize and become bigger and better than before. You guys have been so awesome – walking this path with me, exchanging stories and ideas in a way that was everything I hoped to accomplish when setting up this blog. I hope that that friendship has been as beneficial to you as it has been to me.
This isn’t an ultimate goodbye; I’m still going to be filtering over pieces from my writing blog, Invisible Ink, that you might find of interest, and of course if you’ve enjoyed my articles and want to keep following me and/or keep in touch, I’m much more active over there.
It has been an amazing adventure.
Blessed be, my friends. Until we meet again. ❤