Spiritual journeys are not supposed to be quick, or easy. They should not be over in a year and a day, nor should they have only one clear path forward. The dirt roads we find ourselves on are supposed to confuse the hell out of us, mystify us with their ways, stun us with their beauty. We are supposed to get lost sometimes. And even when you feel as though you will never unravel all the mysteries, there’s still peace and learning to be had.
I’ve said it before, but it’s worth repeating. One of the most important things Wicca taught me was that life, being and spirituality are fluid. You should expect them to change, because as surely as the seasons change, they will too. How well we respond to those changes is more a measure of our character than anything we’ve built or accomplished in any given single moment.
With this understanding in mind, I haven’t been terribly concerned about my own waning belief structure. I did stop observing the turning of the Wheel, and rarely stepped outside on a full moon night to draw down Her energy, and there’s no shame in those things. A little guilt, perhaps, because there was a time, from before, when I was genuinely happy in doing these things. What I wouldn’t give to go back to that time, if just for a moment. Because I’m different, observing these commonly held facets of Wicca now would ring hollow, and that is something none of us should abide, especially in our spiritual hearts. My life has changed, and it’s important to find my moments of tranquility and curiosity before returning to the Mother’s altar.
There isn’t really a checklist of things you can do to get back to being in an okay space. There aren’t foolproof ideas that I can give you in a cute little article that will fix all of your problems. The simple reality of change is that everyone’s change is different, and everyone’s change takes place at different times. You likely won’t even notice you’ve started the journey until your feet are already moving upon the path.
Last full moon, I caught a glimpse of Her beauty. Seeing Her there, still present and freely giving of her light and energy, I smiled. I thought about how that night would be good to burn some sage and sit outside in the garden for a bit. This morning I began the first harvest of herbs and other plants I’ve been growing for various projects and uses. I pulled out my book of shadows to look at the notes I had made there years ago on time and temperature to dry out the different herbs. And right now, as I sit writing this, jittery and on the cusp of a new chapter, I wonder which of my dozens of spells might offer me some calm and content before I become someone new.
And in all of these things, each accompanied by their own sense of wonder, I realize something profound about myself. I may struggle to be Wiccan, but I’ve never stopped being a witch. That part of myself just went to sleep for a little while, and now, I think… she’s waking. )O(